if i break the glass, then i'll have to fly
by Coqui's Song
Summary: Malachite unfuses, and Lapis has to face the true reason she chose to fuse with Jasper.


**I love Steven Universe and I love Lapis Lazuli.**

 **I wrote this in like, two hours. It's not edited. Be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own _Steven Universe_ and like, this probably won't happen this way in the show. **

_if i break the glass, then i'll have to fly_

 _Coqui's Song_

Lapis Lazuli wasn't sure what was real anymore. She wasn't even sure if she was still real, or if it was Malachite thinking these thoughts. She didn't know for certain if Steven had come, but she'd told him the only thing she did know: she didn't want help from him or the Crystal Gems, and she needed to do this to keep Jasper away from Steven so he wouldn't be hurt by her again. Steven had a good heart and wanted to keep her safe, but she had to do this alone. She had to become Malachite and stay Malachite, keep Malachite away from the Crystal Gems forever.

It was what Jasper deserved, after she treated Steven and Lapis herself with such cruelty.

It was what _Lapis_ deserved.

The brief self-loathing thought from Lapis made Malachite's form begin to separate, but she quickly got it under control. She felt Jasper's hatred for her, equal to her own. She resented being held prisoner. So did Lapis, and Lapis had been held prisoner for thousands of years. She wondered how Jasper would feel five thousand years from now. The resentment would only grow, she knew. Jasper would know exactly how Lapis felt after thousands of years trapped in a mirror.

Jasper's anger pushed against her own. They were evenly matched in this. Lapis had finally escaped her prison in the mirror only to be imprisoned by gems again. She could never forgive Jasper for that.

Another wave of hatred smashed against Lapis Lazuli, but she held it back. She even pushed some of her own towards Jasper, wanting to overwhelm her, forever, forever, forever.

Malachite was in pain from this. A fusion this unstable could not be sustained for long, yet Lapis was holding her together. Malachite didn't want to be together anymore. She wanted to disappear. She wanted everything to stop. She wanted to stop hating herself. Lapis felt no sympathy. The only way Steven could be safe was if she held on to this fusion for dear life.

Lapis was doing all of this for Steven, but she couldn't afford to think about him for long. She would start thinking about how kind Steven had been to her. He'd let her out of the mirror, even though he was a Crystal Gem. He'd wanted to be her friend, even after everything she'd done to him and his friends. After she'd almost drowned him, after she'd stolen the entire Earth's oceans to try to get home, he thought she could be reasoned with. His reasoning was that once she became his Beach Summer Fun Buddy, she would always be his Beach Summer Fun Buddy.

He was right about that, but she couldn't have fun with him anymore. She was too busy protecting him from Homeworld. She couldn't allow herself to fantasize about walking around Beach City with him. He would have to have fun without her.

It was these sad thoughts that unfused Malachite.

Lapis and Jasper were thrown away from each other. Lapis realized what had happened the second they'd unfused, and she started to swim to the surface of the ocean, aided by her control over the water. However, Jasper caught up to her quickly and just as she summoned her gem weapon -her water wings- Jasper grabbed her foot.

It was the exact same move that had she'd used on Lapis before, to block her escape so that she could convince Lapis to fuse with her. It only made Lapis even more angry.

"Don't think you're getting away from me!" Jasper said, amber eyes flashing with fury.

She screamed wordlessly, and a twenty foot wave overtook Jasper, and the larger gem lost hold of Lapis' foot. Lapis shot up into the air, safe from Jasper for now.

 _I'm sorry,_ she thought to Steven. _I failed, I'm so sorry, I couldn't even do this to keep you safe._

Lapis paused. She could warn the Crystal Gems about Jasper. It was not an option that was desirable, but it was the only way for them to be unsuprised if Jasper ever showed up to capture them again.

She flew in search of Beach City.

 **~.~.~**

It was raining when she arrived on the front doorstep of Steven's house. Raining, and the crack of dawn. She knocked loudly on the door.

Steven opened the door, eyes cloudy with sleep. When he recognized her, he woke up immediately. His dark eyes widened. "Lapis!" he moved to hug her, but she motioned to him that it was raining, so he pulled her inside the house instead. He insisted on giving her a hug then. She rubbed his shoulders, unused to the contact.

"You're unfused! What happened?" he demanded, pulling away.

"Just that. Are the... other Crystal Gems here?" she asked.

"They'll probably be out in a moment," said Steven. "Do you eat? Pearl doesn't like to eat, but Amethyst and Garnet don't mind. I can make a sandwich for you or something while we wait."

"I've never eaten," Lapis admitted.

Steven looked starry-eyed. "I'll make something real quick, I promise!"

In a couple of minutes, Steven had served her a plate with bread stuffed with an egg, ham, and cheese. Lapis looked at it suspiciously as Steven looked on, staring at her, wanting her to take a bite. Lapis did, just to make him happy. She set down the sandwich just as the door opened and Pearl walked out.

"Good morning, Steve-" Pearl's warm, affectionate tone cut off as she saw Lapis. If it were possible, Pearl's light complexion became even paler. "Lapis Lazuli?"

"Jasper and I unfused," she said. "I thought I should come to warn you. She's terribly angry. She's probably going to come for me. The Crystal Gems, too."

"Oh, dear," Pearl said, looking mildly panicked. "Not Jasper now, too. Excuse me, I have to go find Amethyst and Garnet."

 **~.~.~**

Lapis felt the waves lap at her feet. As far as human towns could go, Beach City was okay. The ocean was near, the people weren't all that bad, and Steven was here.

Well, not _here_ here. After the Crystal Gems had questioned her thoroughly, she'd gone out for some fresh air and alone time. Steven hadn't been allowed to go with her, because they'd needed to talk strategy about what they would do should Jasper come. She'd also guessed that Peridot was still on the run. It wasn't good for them that two enemies were running loose around the Earth. They'd sworn to Rose Quartz to keep the planet safe from Homeworld.

It was another reminder that she didn't belong here. She never believed in the Earth.

She wasn't sure she believed in Homeworld anymore, though.

She heard the familiar sound of Steven's flip flops on the sand, but didn't bother to turn.

"Did you like my sandwich?" he asked in a soft voice.

Lapis shrugged. "It wasn't the worst thing I've ever experienced. I liked it."

"You should hear Pearl. She thinks eating is the worst thing a gem could experience," Steven laughed.

Lapis didn't reply. Steven let the conversation die for a while.

"Why did you fuse with Jasper?" he asked.

"I wanted to keep you safe," was her reply.

Steven frowned. "But there could have been other ways to defeat her. Garnet won a fight against her. You could have easily overpowered Jasper. You're the most powerful gem I've ever seen."

Lapis' eyes started to well up with tears. She hadn't wanted to face the true reason she'd chosen to form Malachite. But Steven was so open and honest and kind. She couldn't lie to him, even if it meant that she had to stop lying to herself.

"I don't belong in Homeworld anymore," she confessed. "Everything is so different. I can't go back there."

"But you could've sided with the Crystal Gems!" he said. "You could have fought her with us."

"No," she answered shortly. "I don't belong with the Crystal Gems either, Steven. I don't belong anywhere anymore. I thought... I thought that I could just do this one thing, to keep Jasper away from you, without siding with the Crystal Gems. I failed. I am so sorry, Steven."

"Don't be sorry!" he cried. "I don't want you to be sorry! I didn't want you to be fused anymore! I was so worried about you!"

He attacked her with a hug, sniffling. She figured she could get used to his hugs.

"You're wrong about the Crystal Gems, though," he said, his voice muffled by the fabric of her dress. He pulled away to look up at her, dark eyes watery and sincere. "They didn't know that the gem in the mirror was still alive. You could stay with us. I asked Garnet and Amethyst and Pearl. They wouldn't mind."

Lapis reached to run her hand through his hair. It was soft and silky. She was overtaken with fondness. "Steven, I can't."

"But... aren't we Beach Summer Fun Buddies? Can't you give it a try?" Steven's eyes looked like glass that Lapis desperately did not want to break. "You said yourself you didn't belong anywhere. You could belong with me. We could annoy Lars and make fart jokes at Mayor Dewey! I could make you try hot dogs and fry bits and ice cream! Connie could come over and we'd have a picnic and she could read to us and we'd look at the shapes in the clouds -oh, you can control water! Does that include clouds? Could you make shapes in the clouds? That would be so cool!" Steven seemed to realize how much he was talking, and he quieted down, a red blush on his cheeks. "If you could try to live with me and the gems."

Lapis crumbled. She gave him a light kiss to his forehead and smiled. "We'll always be Beach Summer Fun Buddies. I can try."

 **The title is taken from "Shatter Me" by Lindsey Stirling, featuring Lzzy Hale! It's such a Lapis song, tbh.**

 **Reviews?**

 _ **~Coqui's Song**_


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